Runnin' from the law : the untold tale of Gun Slingin' Lucille

This is a story of how a housewife and mother went from being a mild-mannered, law- abiding citizen to a pistol packin', bank robbing outlaw.

Gun Slingin' Lucille is known for many feats, including bank robbery, escaping jail, poker shootouts, horse stealing, and other assorted crimes. She and her band of vigilantes dodged the grasp of the infamous CPS and terrorized towns across America during their spree of crimes across the wild west.

What makes Gun Slingin' Lucille stand apart from other famous outlaws of the time is the fact that her vigilantes were children, 3 year old Avery, 2 year old Thomas, and baby Cora. Together they robbed banks, outsmarted the law, escaped the dreaded Apache Indians and even lived with a buffalo herd for a time.

One of her most notable skills was the ability to ride her horse at top speeds, while also shooting at the oncoming enemy and reaching back to her babies carseat in order to adjust the pacifier.

Lucille could lull the fussiest of babies to sleep, shoot a rattlesnake out of a toddler's hand from 200 feet, identify the difference between hand foot and mouth and ant bites, negotiate with the most stubborn 2-year-old, and somehow was always able to keep up on laundry.

The question that has puzzled lawmakers, scholars and sociologists is: How did this law- abiding citizen turn into one of the most revered outlaws of the Wild West?

We started answering this question by looking at the work of scholars and historians, newspaper articles, and other sources until we felt we could piece together what may have pushed Lucia into a life outside of the law. In this article we will cover her life before crime, early crimes, the reign of terror and of course her inevitable end.

Life Before Crime:

There were a few signs that Lucia was headed in the wrong direction. Her husband Brad told the police about an event that happened briefly before her first attempted murder. In the written testimony, he recalls that he had come home from work to find Avery and Thomas playing beavers. Which would have been cute except they were actually gnawing on the kitchen table legs.

nothing to see here...

They looked up at him, spit out a mouthful of sawdust, and kept chewing. Brad was appalled. He found Lucia on the back porch, deeply entrenched in her current book. She jumps when he asks her about the kids' latest activity. "Oh yeah, they like to pretend to be beavers." she shrugged, "They are entertained and not bothering me, so it seems worth it."

Brad shook his head. "This is not okay. We can't just have wood eating kids, Lucia. " In a moment of sanity, Lucia realized she had veered too far and is now raising feral children. She hollered at the ever-growing sawdust pile "Avery and Thomas, no more chewing on the table!" Lucia then got the vacuum, cleaned up the sawdust and brushed the kids somewhat sharper teeth. She promised Brad the beaver game will no longer be allowed.

Yet for a while after the incident, Brad noticed new teeth marks on the table, and the dentist had questions about why there were wood particles between Avery's teeth. When asked, Lucia looks confused about the evidence and denies everything.

Looking back, Brad says now, this was a warning sign.

Choosing a life of Crime

Not unlike most outlaws of the Wild West, Lucia first tried to make her life within the bounds of the law. After having children, she felt there was no way to please a harsh society which judges Mother's for the slightest infraction. Infractions include but are not limited to: not feeding the kids organic gluten-free food, not having a sourdough starter, sleep training or not sleep training. Everywhere she turned, she felt the disapproval of society. With each doctor visit, she lied more and more.

Any smokers in the home? Nope

Any guns in the home? Nope

Are you brushing his teeth twice daily? Yup

She tried and failed many times to meet these impossible standards of mothering.

With each failed attempt she felt more anger and resentment build until she was out of options. Sheer desperation and shame caused her to turn her back on society and live as an outcast of society.

Although no one knows exactly what happened to make Lucia turn to outlaw ways, most historians believe it was an incident in a grocery store parking lot that started her career as an outlaw.

On this particular day, Lucia's nerves were run ragged due to a rough day of mothering. Her ears were ringing from the babies constant cry, she was low on sleep and caffeine. A well meaning stranger looked at her heaping grocery cart, with kids hanging off both sides and told her "You sure got your hands full!". The man had no idea that Lucia had heard that exact phrase 5 times in the last hour.

What did you just say to me?

The man was later interviewed in the hospital and told the police "She looked at me, reached her hand into her diaper bag and fired." He was treated for first degree wounds and survived, but Lucia had turned. No longer the sweet wife and mother, she was now Gun Slingin' Lucille and her band of vigilantes.

*Bad to the Bone plays in the background *

Early Crimes:

The first recorded crime was a bank robbery in the town of Dodge City, Kansas. Gun Slingin' Lucille was her own brand of criminal and had a different approach to bank robbing. The crew did not show up with masked faces and guns, instead they were a picture straight from Ladies Home Journal. Lucille entered the bank wearing a hoop skirt and baby Cora in her front pack. Avery was at her side and Thomas was holding his toy excavator and scanning for anything it could dig.

Cora's job was to distract the bank teller with coos and cute cheeks. While the teller was distracted, Lucia would reach into her diaper bag and pull out a magnum .45 . The teller would start to say "How old is she..." and trail off as she registered the gun pointed at her. This is when Avery would show off her manners "Can we have all of your money in a bag please? "

The shocked teller would hand the money over. Lucille would slowly walk backward out of the bank, pointing the gun at anyone inside the building. Avery would grab the basket of suckers and Thomas' hand, and they would all race to the wagon to enjoy the spoils of their conquest.

 Of course, sometimes the law did show up, but they couldn't really do much because they didn't want to shoot at a woman wearing a baby on her chest. Cora's cuteness was so legendary that even in these high stress scenarios, the sheriff would be distracted by her big cheeks and start telling stories about their grandkids. The cute stories would continue until the sheriff decided to hit up the local post office and send their grandchildren a telegram. Gun Slingin' Lucille and her vigilantes would quietly get back in their wagon and race off.

Another escape tactic relied on the youngest member of the crew. An article from the Omaha Daily interviewed the Sheriff after yet another successful bank robbing by Lucille. The Sheriff recalled they were about to capture the outlaws when suddenly their eardrums were bombarded by a noise he described as "Horrific, inhumane, ear piercing ... no bloodcurdling Indian war call comes close to the horrifying sound coming from that baby" The men dropped to the ground and army crawled into the nearest building to make a plan. "When we came back out, they were gone."

Survivors of the siren cry

Sometimes this didn't work either, and Gun Slingin' Lucille found herself behind bars. Now all famous outlaws had a trademark way of escaping jail. Jesse James had his brother start a fire as a distraction and then broke out. Billy the Kid had big wrists and small hands and in this way could often get out of handcuffs. Lucille had a completely different angle when it came to escape, a tactic that Billy the Kid most definitely did not.

Breastfeeding.

Just the word itself would make the most seasoned sheriff flinch.

"Excuse me sir, my baby is hungry, would you mind taking these handcuffs off?" After the handcuffs were off, Lucille ask for a moment of privacy. The flustered guard would happily leave. When he returned Gun Slingin' Lucille was gone.

The inevitable end of Gun Slingin' Lucille

While all of this criminal activity was going on Brad was at home, following the news trail on his deranged wife. He felt it was his duty to the American public to step in. He decided to head West to see if he could help.

*Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille plays in the background*

Brad finally reached the town of Deadwood, Arizona and got in contact with the famous Wild West Sheriff, Wyatt Earp.

Wyatt Earp, known for taking down the most ruthless criminals and also for his legendary mustache

Brad made a plea on Lucille's behalf. He explained that she had contracted a feminine disease, the dreadful hysteria of uterus. Gun Slingin' Lucille was not in a mentally stable state and therefore should be let off easy.

Brad meeting with the sheriff, who was still in recovery after being exposed to Cora's cry.

The bruised egos of the men Lucille had outsmarted liked this explanation and came to an agreement; they would let Gun Slingin Lucille and her band of vigilantes go with no punishment if Brad would first capture them and then promise to keep his hysterical wife under control.

And keep that baby under control too!

The following morning Brad rode his horse to the local buffalo herd. He stopped in for coffee with the Lakota Indians, who gave him the name Patience of a Thousand Suns.

As he neared the Buffalo herd he saw three figures near the watering hole. He waved and soon Avery was running full force toward him. He hugged her while carefully extracting the six shooter out of her hands. Lucille was just finishing up the final touches on breakfast.

Brad told Lucille of his talks with the deputy. Lucille shook her head "I like my new life." she told him. "I'm not just a poor overwhelmed mother who can't keep her house clean. Out here, people take me seriously. I have goals, aspirations, and most of all, RESPECT"

Brad asked her what exactly it was about motherhood that had pushed her so far. To which Lucia responded by pulling out a list.

See here under section 148a, clause b on overstimulation...

Brad after 4 hours of hearing the list:

When Lucille was finally finished with her list, Brad suggested they get a good night's sleep and reconvene later. They met again the following morning to try to come to a compromise.

After a few hours of negotiation, Lucille agreed to give up on her outlaw ways and return home. No one knows exactly what was said, but many historians believe there was a drastic increase on the Starbucks and Friends Trip budget allotment.

Or maybe it wasn't anything Brad said or changed but Lucille doing some deep internal work and realizing that she could be happy with herself without always looking for external validation. Finding joy and purpose in motherhood and knowing that it might look different than she would ideally like it to be. (basically not ballerina farm)

The next morning, they headed back home, Lucille handed her guns over to Brad and took back her old name, title, and way of life. She did find that she was more content with mom life after the whole outlaw experience. A person can only take so much adrenaline after all.

As for Brad, he has mostly forgotten that for a time he was married to an outlaw. Every now and then he comes home to the kids playing bank robber and feels a flicker of concern. He looks to Lucia for a sign of relapse, but she is on the back porch, deeply entrenched in her latest book.

Although Gun Slingin' Lucille's reign of terror did not last long, she left a lasting mark on American society. Headlines across America reported on her crimes, and she became a symbol of rebellion and resistance. Gun Slingin' Lucille is a cultural icon for female empowerment, and was a big influence on the Women's Rights movement of the early 1900's. She continues to captivate American culture as one of many outlaws during the tumultuous and romanticized history of the American Wild West.

Statue of Gun Slingin' Lucille at Esther Short Park, Vancouver WA